BRENT: I’M SO BORED, TIME TO… SHEATH THE SWORD
WHY IS THIS GAME SO DAMN ADORED?
EVERYONE SAYS IT’S “SO MUCH FUN”
TWELVE HOURS IN, I QUIT…. YEAH, I’M DONE.
I LIKED ZELDA MORE BEFORE THE 64
HASHTAG OCARINA OF TIME”

DAVE : STOP! BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET

BRENT: HELLO, DAVE.

DAVE: DON’T DIS OCARINA ON THE INTERNET!

BRENT: OR WHAT?

DAVE: THINK WHAT FRIGHTENING FANBOYS YOU PROVOKE!
THEY WON’T KNOW YOU’RE OTHERWISE A DECENT BLOKE

BRENT: OH NO! OCARINA MINIONS!
LOOK DAVE, THIS IS MY OPINION

DAVE: AFTER TWELVE HOURS? YOUR OPINION IS CONJECTURE.

BRENT: DO I SENSE A RAMBLING LECTURE?

DAVE: YES!
HYRULE WAS GRANDER IN OUR MINDS
THAN A FLAT 2D PLAIN, WE LONGED FOR A GAME TO EXPAND THAT OLD LAND THAT WE LOVED! SECRETS AND TREASURES WE COULD FIND IN THE CORNERS AND CAVES
THAT WE COULDN’T SEE BACK WHEN WE SQUINTED DOWN FROM ABOVE
RUN ROUND WILD AND FREE! DIVE INTO THE SEA!
CLIMB A TREE AND GENERALLY EXPLORE THE FLIPPING COUNTRY!

BRENT: YEAH, MAYBE IF I WERE SIX

DAVE: NO NO NO NO, LEMME STOP YOU THERE:
MAYBE DON’T BE A PRICK.

BRENT: WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA, LEMME CLEAR THE AIR:
LET’S BE CALM & ADULT: I’M JUST NOT IN THE CULT.

DAVE: PLAY THROUGH THE NIGHT, YOU’LL SEE THE LIGHT!
IT’S WONDERFUL, SO BEAUTIFUL!

BRENT: IT BLEW YOUR LITTLE SOCKS OFF.
I GET THAT BUT, YOU MIGHT SEE MY VIEWPOINT IF I COULD REBUT--

DAVE: WHY DON’T YOU FEEL THE LOVE THAT THIS GAME INSPIRES IN THOUSANDS OF LIVES ROUND THE WORLD?

BRENT: HERE’S WHAT I’M GETTING AT: THE CRAPPY TEXTURES MAKE IT ALL LOOK SO GROSS AND FLAT! AND WHY DO THOSE TWO GUYS RUN AROUND LIKE THAT?
AND ALSO THERE’S THIS OWL WHO WILL NOT SHUT UP!

DAVE: NOT ONE FOR READING, THEN?

BRENT: THIS MAKES MY EYEBALLS SORE
3D WAS DONE SO WELL IN MARIO 64
ALTHOUGH IT WAS RELEASED TWO WHOLE YEARS BEFORE
THIS CLUNKY PIECE OF CRAP YOU WORSHIP SO MUCH

DAVE: BUT IT IS LOVED BY ALL!

BRENT: HAH! DELUSIONAL.

DAVE: AND IT IS WONDERFUL

BRENT: I JUST DON’T FEEL THE MAGIC

DAVE: YOU’RE ALL ALONE IN THIS, ‘CAUSE

BRENT: IT FEELS LIKE…

BOTH: EVERYONE’S ON BOARD

BRENT: EXCEPT FOR ME, DOUCHEBAG! THEY TOOK MY HY-YI-RULE

DAVE: YEAH! AND MADE IT REAL!

BRENT: AND MADE IT LOOK LIKE STOOL!

DAVE: UGH! WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?

BRENT: I DON’T KNOW WHY IT GIVES YOU SUCH A BONER

BOTH: CHA CHA CHA!

BRENT: AND YA KNOW WHAT I HATE?

DAVE: WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?

BRENT: AIMING SHOTS!

DAVE: BREAKING POTS! JUST CONNECT THE DOTS IN YOUR BRAINY BANK, YOU ZANY YANK.

BRENT: NAVI’S VOICE!

DAVE: MUCH MORE CHOICE

BRENT: BUT I DON’T REJOICE WHEN MY CHOICES SUCK,
YOU LIMEY FUCK....MENU SCREEN!

DAVE: MAGIC BEANS!

BRENT: WHICH ARE DUMB!

DAVE: NO THEY’RE NOT! ZOMBIE SCREAMS!

BRENT: HAUNT MY DREAMS!

DAVE: BUT IT’S FUN!

BRENT: IT’S NOT FUN!

DAVE: YES IT IS!

BRENT: NO IT’S NOT

DAVE: YES IT IS!

BRENT: IS NOT!

DAVE: IS TOO!

BRENT: YOU’RE DUMB!

DAVE: SCREW YOU!

BRENT: BLOW ME!

DAVE: NO THANKS

BRENT: DAMNIT,

BOTH: SHUTUP, SHUTUP!!!

[Dialogue]

BRENT: HEY SMARTY-PANTS, OH DON’T BE SHY.
YOU WANNA DANCE? WELL SO DO I.
NOW HERE’S YOUR CHANCE TO TELL ME WHY YOU LOVE THIS GAME.

DAVE: WELL, WHERE TO START? AND WHAT’S THE GOAL?
IT’S GAMES AS ART THAT TOUCH THE SOUL
YOU HAVE NO HEART, SO HOW CAN YOU SPEAK OF LOVE?

BRENT: THAT’S BULLCRAP AND YOU KNOW IT!
GRAPHICALLY, OCARINA WAS A TRAGEDY
DO THE TEXTURES CAUSE DEPRESSIVE PERSONALITY?
‘CAUSE THEY’RE LITERALLY SAD TO SEE.
THEY TOOK THAT GAME I LOVED SO MUCH
THEY TWISTED IT INTO A BEAST
AND MADE IT LOOK ALL NEW AND STRANGE, IF THERE’S ONE THING I HATE, IT’S CHANGE!
THIS OVERRATED CHORE WITH ALL ITS FANBOY DRONES
WHAT’S WORSE, IT SPAWNED A MILLION LAME ADVENTURE CLONES. THIS IS YOUR NOSTALGIA NOW
IF YOU SHOW IT TO A CHILD TODAY, THEY’LL ASK YOU FOR LINK TO THE PAST, IT’S MUCH MORE FUN TO PLAY!

DAVE: WE NEEDED THIS WHEN 3D HADN’T FOUND ITS WAY
SO GAMERS COULD SAY “THIS IS HOW THE FUTURE OF GAMES COULD BE!” TO LIVE INSIDE THAT WORLD
AND EXPLORE THE LAND, SWORD IN HAND, BE THE HERO,
THAT’S WHAT WE’D ALL DREAMED OF
THIS IS JUST NOSTALGIA NOW!
YOU JUST WEREN’T THE PROPER AGE!
NINTENDO POWER SCORED IT HIGH,
ITS PACE WAS TAUT, YET FUN!
A STORY THAT GRIPS, WITHOUT
RELYING ON SOME PRE-RENDERED CLIPS,
IT’S A METHOD THAT WENT ON TO ECLIPSE
ALL OTHERS TO THIS DAY

BRENT: IF YOU WON’T DISAVOW...

DAVE: LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!

BRENT: THIS, YOUR SACREDEST COW

DAVE: IF YOU STILL KNOW HOW, EITHER WAY….

BRENT: I DON’T CARE, ‘CAUSE...

BOTH: THIS ENDS NOW!

[Dialogue]

BOTH: STOP BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET! WHY’RE WE ALWAYS FIGHTING ON THE INTERNET?
FANDOM STARTS WITH LOVE, THERE’S NO NEED TO SHOVE

DAVE: SURELY WE CAN

BRENT: DISAGREE AND

DAVE: STILL BOTH BE FANS OF STUFF!

BOTH: WE’RE HERE FOR FUN AND GAMES! LET FRIENDSHIP QUENCH THOSE FLAMEWARS

DAVE: YOU’RE WRONG, SO WHAT? WE GET ALONG, WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT

BRENT: AND EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE WRONG I KNOW WE’LL STILL BE FRIENDS, WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT

BOTH: OCARINA OF TIME! OCARINA OF TIME!

BRENT: SUCKS. DAVE: WAS GREAT!